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all i can think of is: i miss you.

today would have been my mama‘s 70th birthday. seventy. other people‘s grannies are around longer than my parents.

two weeks ago my sister was in hamburg for two days. we shared one bed just like in the old days when we shared a room with mama for a few weeks after papa passed away. and that is also what we talked about that night. and about self discipline. it was tough for my mother when my father passed away. of course it was hard, for everyone, what else. and i guess the only way my mother could deal with it was to let us kids do what we wanted. i remember sitting next to my mama during my high school graduation proccess and how our principal told us to be thankful for our parents‘ support. how mama looked at me and told me to be proud of myself because i did it myself. and i did. mama never complained about bad grades or failed tests. she never asked if i did my homework. i just did. (at least parts of it.) she never dragged me to play piano. i did it because i wanted to and stopped when i didn‘t want to anymore. she never dragged me to soccer practice. i went there every week because i wanted to. because i loved it.

when she got diagnosed with leukemia and had to get chemo straight away, i was doing an internship at a photo studio. i was there full time and worked as a barista at a café on saturdays. almost every single day i was at the hospital after work. and on sundays too. it was the toughest time. i was in auto functioning mode for almost a year. and when mama was gone, so was my self discipline. i must have left it with her in that hospital room.

everything just fell off me. when i didn‘t feel like going to practice then i didn‘t go. i told myself i had to function for a year, so it was time now to do what i feel like doing. and i if i didn‘t feel like doing anything, fine too. and it is still that way. i can‘t get myself up to work out. to do a run around the alster. to find myself a soccer team and go to practice. to feel better.

i can‘t get myself to stop eating sweets either. where the heck is my self discipline?

today is also ash wednesday. and although i am not catholic, i decided to fast. not to eat any sweets for 40 days. no cheating either.

so, craving lenten season starts today. and i am gonna get back my self discipline. for good.

happy birthday mama.

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