Numb. That is how I still feel at this time. Numb and empty. Exhausted. Still shocked although we all knew it was coming. I just didn’t expect it this soon.
At times I feel so grateful for the time I had with her. Grateful that she does not need to suffer any longer. Because it was pain. Most certainly for her but also for us. It hurted to see her that way, to feel so damn helpless.
At times I am angry. Angry that I cannot call her anymore. That I can’t hug her when I feel the need to. Angry for having my sister and BEST FRIEND taken away from me.
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. The fact that I can hardly call my wedding season a season this year turns out to be blessing. The few weddings I am doing this year will take up most of the energy I have. I will put my heart into them so there is no need to worry for my bridal couples.
When the doctors told us that we should prepare for the time when Pia decides to quit treatment, I thought it was a good thing I do not have many jobs this summer because it would allow me to take all the time I want and need to take care of my little sister. But everything went a lot faster than expected and now it turns out to be a good thing so I can take all the time I need to get through this. I do not need to worry that I might have to cancel jobs due to unexpected circumstances or because I might not be capable of getting them done. Because there hardly are any. And trust me, I am thankful for this. Because everything happens for a reason.
This is the very last photo of my sister(s) and me that I have on my phone. It was taken on Top of the Rock in New York City end of April this year. Boy, I can’t believe how much strength Pia must have built up for taking this trip!
Thank you for making it, Schwesterherz.
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